When I first decided to study witchcraft, the Internet was in its infancy. I couldn’t just get online and Google “witchcraft” and find the plethora of information that is now available. So I did the 1990s equivalent – I went to the local public library and looked in the card catalog under “witchcraft”. While I found many books about the history of witchcraft, my public library only had three listed: “Mastering Witchcraft” by Paul Huson, “Helping Yourself With White Witchcraft” by Al G. Manning, and “Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner” by Scott Cunningham. All three were reported missing from the library.

So I wrote down the title and author information on those little pieces of paper that the library used to keep next to the card catalogs (remember those?), and I hit the bookstore, where I placed special-orders for all three of these titles. A month or so later when the books arrived, I couldn’t wait to start reading them. I first tackled “Help Yourself with White Witchcraft”, but I didn’t get very far. From what I remember, the book called upon the guidance of many foreign deities with whom I was not familiar. No history was really given – I suppose that the reader was meant to blindly trust the author. However, seeing as how I had never heard of Shiva, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to summon him into my living room.

Next, I turned my attention to “Mastering Witchcraft”. This book seemed to be a little more relatable. However, one of the first tasks that was set to the budding witch by the author was to recite the Lord’s Prayer backward. This made me very uncomfortable. I live in the South, and you just don’t mess around with stuff like that unless you are prepared for the consequences. I was not. (As an aside, I recently re-read this book and got much more out of it than the first time around.)

Finally, I turned my attention to Scott Cunningham. I was surprised to find that Cunningham wrote of witchcraft as a religion, known as Wicca. He offered some history about the religion and described it as gentle, Earth-based practice. As an ecologist, this idea really appealed to me. Eventually, I met a couple of other practitioners through work and attended a few circles. I remember actually being happy when I read in the paper that a local coven had been denied rental of a venue on the grounds that the venue did not rent to religious organizations. It gave my newfound practice some legitimacy.

A few months later, my parents were visiting, found my witch stuff, and flipped their shit. In a tearful tantrum, I threw away all my witch supplies, and sold all my witch books. So much for commitment. However, I did hang on to one book: Scott Cunningham. It didn’t have the word “witch” on it anywhere, and the cover featured a woman who looked like she might simply be meditating in the garden. Pretty innocuous (though at that time my parents thought that meditating dangerous also).

As the years passed, I would occasionally hear things about Wicca. I remember hearing a news story about a soldier buried with a pentagram on his headstone, and I was proud that his family remembered his true faith in this way. I was glad to hear that Wicca was becoming more mainstream, even though I was no longer a practitioner myself.

In my continuing search for wisdom and connection to something bigger, I visited the local Quaker meeting house, read about Buddhism and Taoism, and explored Eastern-style meditation, but nothing ever felt right. I never found my home. While my brief experiences made me more open-minded, they also made me want something more tangible, more familiar, more in keeping with what I felt inside.

Flash forward to October 2017. I am in bed with the flu, and decidedly miserable and cranky. On a whim, I download Lisa Chamberlain’s “Wicca for Beginners” and begin to read. And something clicked. Lisa described Wicca and witchcraft as a way to use your personal power and the power of the Universe to manifest the life that you want. I begin to visualize the Goddess as a loving, maternal figure and mentor, someone who I could speak with, someone who loved everyone and everything, but who allowed her children to follow their own paths. The God was her powerful and supportive partner, who cared for the Earth, the forests, and the animals. The more I read, the more I realized that I had finally found what I was looking for.

I began my studies in earnest. I learned that not all witches are Wiccan and not all Wiccans practice witchcraft. At first, I categorized myself as Wiccan, which seemed the safer terminology. But the more I learned and studied and honed by beliefs, I realized that “witch” really better describes me. I still identify as Wiccan, particularly when people ask me what religion I am. Saying, “I am a witch” in my part of the country can elicit everything from admiration to fear to disdain to an attempt to save my soul. However, when I say I am Wiccan, people seem to accept it.

My goal is not to shock those around me with my beliefs – I let my pink hair do that! If someone is curious, I will explain to them that as a Wiccan, I consider myself a witch, that Wicca is the religion and that witchcraft is a way that I practice that religion, that my holidays have to do with the cycle of nature, and that spells are a way to use meditation and visualization to manifest change in our lives, much like prayers.

But mostly, I just let my actions speak for me. I am kind. I am considerate of others. I take care of the Earth. I feel connected to those around me. I practice healing through meditation and aromatherapy. Since I have become a witch, more people come to me for advice, and for my aromatherapeutic treatments. I feel like I am making a difference. I feel like I am a better person. And after all, isn’t that what religion is supposed to – make you a better person?

I eventually worked up the nerve to tell my parents that I am Wiccan. To my surprise and delight, they said that they were glad that I had found a path that spoke to me. I guess I am not the only one who is older and wiser!

So am I Wiccan or am I a witch? While I do use the term Wiccan to define my beliefs to others, in my heart, I am a witch. As Samantha would say, “I am a witch. A real house-haunting, broom-riding, cauldron-stirring witch.”